3 Skills to Learn to have an IEP Without Tears

 Link to video:3 Key Skills for a Parent at an IEP Meeting

My oldest child is 15 years old.  I can recall having concerns about his learning in early elementary school, bringing those concerns to the teacher, and then leaving the meetings more confused than when I went in.  This happened meeting after meeting, year after year.  I thought something was wrong with me that I wasn’t able to understand education and how it works.  They seemed to use words that I wasn’t familiar with  (like “decoding” or “fluency”) and would tell me that everything was fine with my son. Over time, this killed my confidence about raising concerns.  No one seemed to see what I was seeing, and I started to feel I was crazy.  I cried in frustration on more than one occasion.

Fast-forward ten years when it was time to create an IEP for my daughter to support her dyslexia. My husband can attest that my anxiety, sleeplessness and overall irritability began to skyrocket about two weeks before the meeting.  I was staying up late reading about dyslexia and support services and IDEA, and I was so afraid that I was going to let my daughter down in my efforts. The mean voice in my head that tries to tell me I am "not enough" was on overdrive. I replayed meetings from years past where I left feeling unheard and unqualified to even be at the table.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this type of pre-meeting stress and feelings of inadequacy during the meetings. I decided my only hope was to be overprepared. 

GOING FULL MAMA BEAR CAUSES MEMORY LOSS

So when I was done with all the reading and thinking, I created a document. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the years is that when I’m in those meetings, my MAMA BEAR adrenaline and emotions start to boil up. When this happens I can’t seem to remember a single thing that I mean to say, and I certainly can’t think of intelligent responses to the ongoing conversation.  I have to make sure that everything I want to say is IN WRITING before the meeting. I hand my document to everyone at the meeting and request it be part of the meeting minutes. This frees my brain from having to remember things and then I can just listen.

LISTENING IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS

Once I’m free from trying remember what I want to say, I can listen and listen well.  I can even jot a few notes. But most importantly, now I can ask questions.  I can interrupt 10,474 times to ask them to clarify the words they are using or make them explain exactly what plan they want to make.  I try to channel my inner 3 year old and just keep asking “ WHY? WHY? WHY”.  I’m half joking - no need to be obnoxious, but I just keep kindly asking for clarification until I TRULY understand what’s being said.  

BEING COMFORTABLE ASKING FOR MORE

I’ve had to get comfortable asking for more. More time to think, more days to consider my options, more services for my child. I’m a recovering people-pleaser so my tendency is to just accept what is given and say “thank you”.  However, 100% of the time I would have additional thoughts and questions after the meeting when I had time to sit quietly and process it all.  I’m now very comfortable not signing any agreements at the time of the meeting to give myself time to think. Then I send as many clarifying emails after the meeting that is necessary to feel I understand everything.  Then I sign.

THE 3 THINGS TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS BLOG:

➡️ No one can think in Mama Bear mode.  Write all your thoughts and questions in advance.  

➡️ Listening and asking questions is your #1 task at the meeting. If possible, bring a friend or family member to help you listen.

➡️ Ask for more time. Take all the time you need.